I was out and about the other day and realized that I finally felt pretty good about being by myself. It’s been a while since I felt like that. For almost a year now, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been trying to get used to being by myself again, while at the same time feeling like I’m missing something and needing to fill a gap.
For years, I was on my own and I really liked it. It was comfortable and easy. If I wanted or was asked to do something, I did it, or not. I didn’t have to check with anyone to see if she wanted to join me, or whether she had other plans (that might include me), or whether she would be offended if I went by myself.
And this time last year, I was in a comfortable relationship in which all of those things were easy. We did things together or not, and I’m pretty sure that we liked having the other around, but were fine doing things on our own when the other wasn’t interested. I’m not sure it was the same a few years earlier, where the nature of the relationship was necessarily shared experiences, and which I believe was our undoing.
So for this last year (almost), each time I’ve done something on my own I’ve recognized that I’m on my own. Or when I’ve been doing something with someone, that I’ve been trying to fill a gap that seemed to exist. I haven’t felt as I did for all those years. But then I’d been out all afternoon doing things on my own, being comfortable and unapologetic. I realized that while I was still far from being “over it”, I was getting back to what for me is normal.
Mana eva manuṣyanam karaṇam bandha mokṣayoḥ – As the mind, so the person; bondage or liberation are in your own mind.