craigmcn

Broken hearts (http://www.fanpop.com/fans/Mela1994)

So I mentioned in my last post that I recently broke up with my girlfriend of just over one year. Well, she broke up with me. She dumped me. She wasn’t in love with me, something wasn’t 100% right, a few other issues. It’s sad, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m doubting myself, all kinds of other things are being affected by my feelings. I hate it.

I’m in counselling to try to resolve my issues. My biggest issue being that I’m doubting myself, my reasoning, my abilities, whether I’m looking for the right relationship, whether I’d know when I find the right relationship, whether I’m even physically in the right place for that relationship, and a host of other doubts relating to my life and my work. And, of course, my mind spins around these things all the time, settling them and then unsettling them.

I’ve realized that part of my problem is that for over a year this relationship was most of my life. It may be a bit cliché, but she was my whole world. When I did something, it was the two of us. When it wasn’t the two of us, it was only because we’d agreed that the other didn’t want to go. My personal evening and weekend activities were mostly based on what I needed to get done before I spent the rest of my time with her. I always knew what was going at work, because we work together and we’d have coffee or lunch or walk home together and talk about everything. Now I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t know what to do with myself.

So I’m opening up my world. I’m getting back into bagpiping. I’m going to see a guy about getting the bagpipes I haven’t played in seven years back into playing condition. I’m even thinking of spending some big bucks on electronic bagpipes and small, indoor bagpipes so I can do more practicing. My pal, Bryce, keeps talking about putting together a band, so that might be a fun thing to do. I’m going to a yoga workshop, maybe some regular stretching and meditation will help me clear my head periodically. And I’m going to just try new things, do things on my own, go to movies, concerts, art galleries, I don’t know what. Maybe even try dating like I should have in high school: talk to girls, go out for coffee or drinks or bowling or mini-golf; if it doesn’t work out, no harm done.

It still hurts and I miss her like crazy. I hope this feeling goes away some time.