What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?

Eventually, people get tired of jumping on a trampoline.


What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.


Why do pipers march while they play?

A moving target is harder to hit.


Why do pipers march while they play?

To get away from the sound.


If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?

Who cares?


What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?

A start.


What’s the definition of a gentleman?

Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn’t.


What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.


What’s the definition of “optimism”?

A person who plays the bagpipes and owns a telephone.


What do you have when a piper is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand!


If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?

The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two aren’t real.


How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.


How is playing the bagpipes like throwing the javelin blindfolded?

You don’t have to be good to get everyone’s attention


What do you throw a drowning bagpipe player?

His bagpipes.


A Canadian officer, pinned down with his unit in Italy in 1944, urgently signaled his CO

“Need reinforcements to rescue us. Please send six tanks or one piper”.


An old Scot, after living for many years in a far-away land, was dying. He called his doctor and asked for one last favour. The doctor agreed and the old Scot said he wanted to hear the pipes played one more time before he died. A piper was duly summoned and marched up and down the hallway playing mightily. In the morning, the old Scot was so invigorated he arose, dressed, and went home. All of the other patients were dead.


Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNeil from Barra, but anyway …) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?”, she asked.

“Mother”, he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”


This is a true story (reported by Reuters). Daniel McCaig, a worker at the Bombardier aircraft manufacturing plant in Toronto was annoyed at the move to lay-off 130 workers. So, dressed in his kilt, he hoisted himself three stories into the air on a crane and serenaded the factory with his bagpipes. He played Auld Lang Syne and other favourites for four hours – and responded to requests for particular tunes from his cheering workmates below. Afterwards, the company took him to court, claiming that the work stoppage had cost them C$200,000. However, the judge, exercising a considerable amount of “amazing grace” dismissed the case so long as McCaig did not serenade the Bombardier factory again. McCaig was helped by five law students from York University in Toronto who drew up a defence based on “constitutional ethnic issues.”


“At the end of the church service Sergeant McCrimmond played the bagpipes on the hillside above. Since that time, he has been stationed in Korea”


When someone tells a guitarist joke, people laugh.

When someone tells a bagpipe joke, people nod in solemn agreement.


A man in a kilt walks into a pub with a plastic bag under his arms and the bartender asks, “What’s that?”

“Six pounds of Semtex”, he answers.

“That’s a relief. I thought it was bagpipes.”


There was a piper who remembered that he had left his bagpipes in his unlocked car. Rushing back, he opened his car door to find two more sets of pipes in the back seat.


A piper was sick of the band abusing him, and decided to start his own. He walked into a music shop, planning to buy the first instruments he saw. The assistant replied, “You play the pipes, don’t you?”

“That’s right. Why?”

“Well, the fire extinguisher I can sell you – but the radiator stays.”


What’s the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?

The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.


What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road?

Skid marks in front of the snake.


What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?

You can tune the lawn mower.


What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?

Neighbours get upset when you borrow their lawn mower and don’t return it.


How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?

He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.


How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?

Add vibrato.


What’s the range of a bagpipe?

Twenty yards if you have a good arm.


Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?

They rarely strike the same spot twice.


How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?

Someone is blowing into it.


If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end

— it would be a good idea.


How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?

Shoot one.


Origin of Bagpipes

Long ago, the Scots devised a fearsome battle tactic. As the Scots neared their enemies, they would take cats, swing them round and round above their heads. Then the cats would be sent sailing through the air and land, clawing and biting, among the Scot’s foes. This was very effective. Word got out of this fearsome stratagem, and soon just the sound of the cats, howling and screaming as they were whirled over the heads of the Scotsmen, was enough to send even battle-hardened foes into full retreat.

But the Scots began to run out of cats. So they invented the Scottish bagpipe as a substitute.

And now you know….the rest of the story.


What’s the only thing worse than a bagpiper?

Good question. We’re still trying to find out too.


“I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.”

– Alfred Hitchcock


What’s the definition of a minor second?

Two bagpipes playing in unison.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bagpipe recital.


What’s the difference between the Great Highland bagpipes and Northumbrian bagpipes?

The Great Highland bagpipes burn longer, but the Northumbrian burn hotter.


What do you call a bagpiper with half a brain?

Gifted.


Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?

So they can park in handicapped zones.


What’s the definition of a quarter tone?

A bagpiper tuning his drones.


What do bagpipers use for birth control?

Their personalities.


What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A bagpiper.


What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?

Drool.


How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?

No one knows when to come in.


Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?

He moved a drone and wouldn’t tell him which one.


Tom: “Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?”

Buddy: “Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.”


Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?

Both are offensive and inaccurate.


A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the $50.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet owner coughs up the $50.

Then a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

“Ha!” the Scot says, “Can ye nae plae it?”

The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to have sex with it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!”


Apparently the Roman Army employed a horde of pipers – Nero loved them. Then again he was notorious for his cruelty, throwing Christians into large coliseums and forcing them to listen to bagpipe music.


Modern uses for bagpipes:

  • Milking cows.
  • Hot water bottle.
  • Garden watering can.
  • Boomerang that doesn’t come back.
  • Car jack.
  • Television aerial.
  • Knitting needles.
  • Space satellites.
  • Fire bellows.
  • Fish bait for octopus.